5 Years Later

Each year, the pain of 9/11 does not get easier. I don't know if it ever will. Now, I know why they reminisce about where they were when JFK was murdered. This is a universal pain, more for others, less for some.

On that day, I was keening in the bathroom over the loss of a baby. I had only found out one week prior that I was pregnant. It had been a tumultuous week as DH and I struggled to deal with this unplanned pregnancy. Then, in a wink, it was gone. Taken out of our hands. Loss.

After I stumbled out of the bathroom and tried to resemble a normal parent for my then one-year-old son, I turned on the TV for cartoons and saw what had happened. It took me about 2o minutes to realize it was not a joke and take in the horror of what had happened. To me then, my pain was greater than the pain of 9/11. I was not able to grieve for 9/11 until a year later when the shows on television discussed it and re-showed the footage from the people running for their lives in the streets of New York City. Right now, I am crying for them.

My then one-year-old is six now. Listening to NPR this morning for the news, I was awakened to the fact that today is 9/11 again. He heard the discussion and asked me about it.

"Honey, five years ago, some bad people hijacked two planes and crashed them into the Twin Towers in New York City. Lots of people were killed."

He thought about that for a second and asked the defining question:

"Mom, was it an accident or did they do it on purpose?"

It broke my heart to have to tell him. "On purpose."

I have seen flags all around today as I drove him to school. To all of us, being patriotic means different things. Hold your flag in your heart, next to your hope for the future of our children. Hold your loved ones today and hope.